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While recuperating from back surgery,
I developed blood clots, one that ran the length of my right thigh and a
smaller one in the lower lobe of my right lung. The nurses claimed it was the
largest blood clot they had ever seen, lucky me. I had previously checked out
of the hospital on 8/21 only to find myself readmitted on 9/5 for blood clots and released by 9/15.
On 9/17, X-rays revealed I had developed pneumonia as well. From mid-March to
the time of this writing, I can honestly say this was truly my summer of
discontent, as unspiritual as that may sound, though I was content in recognizing
God’s authority in the matter.
I want to relate an experience during
one of my uncomfortable nights in the hospital where I felt like I was
specifically a target of spiritual terrorism from the enemy. Concerning life’s experiences,
it is always wiser to interpret our experiences by the truth of Scripture
rather than the other way around. Nothing will lead us down the path of
spiritual error faster than interpreting the Scripture by our experiences. I
also think it is unwise to deny a person’s experience, but it still must be evaluated
by the truth of Scripture. It is no different in my case.
The A/C in my room was turned off as
usual during the night. Beverly was “asleep” in a recliner designed to prevent
its occupant from reaching REM (rapid eye movement) state where dreams normally occur which might
explain why she always woke up in an ill mood by the constant deprivation of
being able to dream! Anyway, I don’t recall the precise hour of my experience,
but I noticed the air in the room turned very cold, and I drifted off to sleep
in the chill. The next thing I know I found myself in a place of desolation. I
couldn’t move, but I could rotate 360 degrees. There were no altering
landscapes only endless nothing on the horizon in every direction and no life was present, except for mine.
Once I realized my intense isolation, there came a
cyclone of thoughts swirling toward me at a very fast pace and entering my
mind. Amazingly, I could process every thought, but these were not lovely or
lofty thoughts but disgusting, vile, and ugly, too awful to share. I felt
oppressed and unable to escape from this twisted nightmare. At one point I thought
I was losing it. Never before had I felt more alone than in this remote place,
so isolated from any living being. I do not know why I didn’t cry out to God,
“Why have you forsaken me?” That never occurred to me in my dream.
From out of nowhere I cried out to
God, “Restore my soul” (Psa 23:3a), and I found myself back in my hospital bed
back to my normal physical discomfort; the air was warm and comfortable. I was fully
awake when a fear I had never confronted before swept over me. This madness was
not over! This was no dream! For the first time, I had feared living more than
dying. With a gentle rebuke, the Lord reminded me that perfect love casts out
fear (1 Jn 4:18). Fear involves torment, and I just came from a place of distress. as well as spiritually depleted. I just came out of a great spiritual
engagement in a very vulnerable condition physically. I looked over at Beverly
buried beneath a blanket lying still in her torture chair.
I realize now God was there in this
place of desolation the whole time (Heb 13:5), monitoring and protecting me
though I never sensed His presence in that desolate place. This illustrates how
important to cling to the promises of God over experiences. Interestingly,
Satan never accused God of deserting me in whatever this place was. When all was said and
done, I was left dumbfounded as to the reason behind this awful, nauseating experience.
Two days after my release from the
hospital I visited my primary physician for X-rays and a Coumadin check (INR).
While I was sitting in the waiting room feeling frail and miserable, I opened
up my Bible app on my iPhone and read Psalm 25. I had no idea why I went to
Psalm 25. Then I came across something David had prayed to be delivered from by
Yahweh in verse 16,
“Turn Yourself to me, and have mercy on me,
for I am desolate and afflicted.”
for I am desolate and afflicted.”
The clause, “for I am desolate and afflicted,” jumped out
at me for that was exactly how I felt that one particular evening. Psalm 25 doesn’t really have a unified
theme for it is more of a variety of prayers and meditations of David. I am not
suggesting that I experienced the same nightmare David did when he felt
desolate, but we both shared isolation to some degree while under affliction.
The troubles of his heart had enlarged, and there’s no doubt he wanted out of
his distresses (Psa 25:17). He desired for God to look upon his affliction and
pain and to forgive all his sins (Psa 25:18). It sounds as if he was in a
terrible fix. I was.
Now the word desolate (Heb., yâchı̂yd, H3173) is found 12 times in the OT, an adjective meaning sole,
only, or solitary. It frequently refers to an only child (Gen 22:2; Jdg 11:34).
It also refers to bitter lamentation or grievous sorrow over the death of an
only child (Jer 6:26; Amos 8:10; Zech 12:10, the last reference referring to
when the nation of Israel recognizes Jesus as the true Messiah and mourns over
Him whom they had crucified as the loss of a firstborn child). It also refers to the
only life we are given (Psa 22:20-21; 35:17). It is also used to mean solitary
or alone as in our M-g passage Psa 25:16, “desolate”; Psa 68:6-7, “solitary”).
It comes from a Hebrew root word, Yāḥad, H3161, meaning to be or become one.
For me, this desolate place in my dream or nightmare included a little bit of all of the nuances of the word yâchı̂yd. It was
definitely a desolate or solitary place, a place of loneliness. I felt dispossessed,
vulnerable, naked, and exposed to the elements of this alien environment. The place
was emotionally charged as in bitter sorrow of losing an only child. I was
horrified by a sense of loss though I couldn’t define it, perhaps the only life
I have been given was in jeopardy.
When I first came across Psa 25:16 things began to make sense
yet in some ways making no sense at all. For me to remember so many details
indicates my dream made a profound impression on me. Yet, this nightmare troubled
me though I am still processing it. Here is the important thing to
remember in light of my spiritual attack; it had not altered my view of God. I have chosen to submit my experience to the
authority of the Word to maintain a proper biblical perspective of God who
allowed for this attack to enter my life at such a vulnerable moment.
If our experiences cut against the grain of the truth of
Scripture, I wouldn’t put much stock in it; otherwise, it could be spiritually misleading. Our experiences should always be subservient to the truth of
Scripture. The promises of God are more reliable than our experiences (cf. 2 Tim 3:16-17), leaving us in the wake of worship and praise! <><
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